Monday, April 11, 2016
It had been one of the longest weeks of my life. I was in a car accident, my entire family came down with horrible sickness which led to extremely long days and nights devoid of sleep, my house was a disaster due to packing to move to our new house and I was already beginning to feel nauseous due to my new pregnancy. My children's consistent high fevers left me feeling frightened and anxious for days. I feared getting into a car again because of my accident. My home didn't feel like a safe haven anymore but rather a cold and unfamiliar place. PLUS the entire week had been such a fog that I had completely forgotten to plan for any Easter baskets or festivities. In fact, we couldn't even attend Easter service because although most of us where on the road to recovery, my baby, Vivienne, was still running a fever the night before.
SO there we were. Sitting at home Easter morning while my husband went to church. I did a devotional with the girls and we had a time of worship together. I started to feel hopeful thinking that Vivienne probably had 1 or 2 days at the most left of the worst part of her sickness. I also began to feel encouraged as I thought about moving into a new house that we completely love in an area that we have wanted to live in for a while. I chose to count my blessings and began thanking Jesus for everything that he accomplished on the cross for me and the victory of His resurrection.
Then the worst thing happened.
A quick trip to the bathroom (which was becoming a regular and frequent thing now that I was in early pregnancy) turned into one of the saddest moments of my life. I had started bleeding and clotting. All I could think was, "GOD, NOT AGAIN!!". I had already suffered through a miscarriage before I had my daughter Vivienne and was immediately reacquainted with all of the grief, fear, sadness, depression and hopelessness that I had felt then. I burst into tears on the bathroom floor, completely overwhelmed and devastated. This was supposed to be a day of HOPE... a day of LIFE... a day of CELEBRATION! Yet here I was experiencing death: the death of my baby that I had been praying and believing God for for months, the death of a dream, the death of joy. I frantically called my husband to tell him the bad news and to hurry home. I walked out of the bathroom, trying to put on a happy face for my girls. I didn't want to add to the already stressful and trying week we had all had. I put on a movie for them and aimlessly paced around my house crying, praying, angry, and in despair.
But something dawned on me.
It was Easter. Yes, I already knew that it was Easter, but it hit me like a tidal wave. It was EASTER! It was the day that we officially celebrate the good news of the gospel. It's the day that we boldly declare that IT IS FINISHED. It is the day that we grasp hold with greater grip to the hope that our redemption and reconciliation has been secured for all eternity. It is the day that we remind ourselves that Jesus is in the process of making ALL THINGS NEW and righting every wrong. I immediately started to feel a sense of hope began to rise in my heart. I realized in that moment, that Jesus had already provided redemption and healing for me right then and there. I understood that when scripture says, "Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" (Isaiah 53:4) that my sadness was accounted for. Jesus had already carried it. He had already wept over this terrible situation and was weeping with me then. I began to bask in the good news that the GOSPEL meant that DEATH had been defeated! It has lost its's sting! The promise of life and the hope that ensues from a revelation of that promise began to flood into my heart and drown out the ear-piercing volume of my pain and despair in that moment! The death I was experiencing was and is swallowed up in LIFE!
Shortly after this moment, my husband came home. I know that he was expecting to find me on a roller-coaster of rage, irritation, sadness and sorrow based on the way I had talked to him on the phone earlier. But when he got home, we simply embraced and cried together. We knew that we had a season of grief ahead of us, but the peace and promise of God poured down on us as we stood in our kitchen. Almost without saying a word, we both knew without a shadow of a doubt, that our God was a good good Father, that he is faithful in all his ways and that his plans are never to harm us but to give us hope and a future. The same God that purchased us with his precious and costly blood does not seek to hurt us. Yes he allowed my miscarriage to happen for reasons I will never know this side of heaven, but we had an unwavering trust in His reasoning.
It's been about two weeks since the start of my miscarriage. I have battled moments of despair, depression and just about every emotion one could experience. But the Holy Spirit has been EVERYTHING the scriptures promise that He will be to me and my family. With each passing day, I'm feeling stronger and more hopeful, knowing that God was not surprised by my misfortune, but rather prepared me for it and has interwoven my testimony into the fabric of my future.
I hope that anyone reading this who has or is experiencing loss of any kind will be encouraged and reminded that there is always purpose in our pain and that the gospel is good news even in our darkest hours. Remember that even as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you can FEAR NO EVIL because HE IS WITH YOU! He will never leave you nor forsake you. Every wrong will be made right. There is NOTHING in heaven or on earth that will go untouched by the finished work of the cross. Rest in the good news. Rest in Jesus.